Fatman on Fatman
Respondent: (Looking slightly dishevelled as if he's just been mugged by seagulls. He picks at a crumb that he's found on his shirt) Am I on?
Interviewer: We're live.
Respondent: Wonderful. That's great news. I'm a big fan of...uh...the..where am I again?
Interviewer: (Slightly unsure if Respondent's comment is meant in jest or if he's genuinely baffled) Ha Ha.
Respondent: (Grins blankly)
Interviewer: How have you been? It's been a while.
Respondent: Uh...yah. I guess. Er....has it?
Interviewer: Ever so slightly. (Audience laugh) What's been happening? You don't call. You don't write. You fell off the planet there for a while. Are you well?
Respondent: Yeah. I'm totally fine y'know? It's just that...I've been doing things. Stuff. Things and stuff mainly.
Interviewer: (Rolls eyes. Audience laugh) Did you want to elaborate or should we just assume...
Respondent: Oh you want specifics?
Interviewer: Would you?
Respondent: Ha ha. I'm...I'm a bit vague today. Ha. Look, I've been drinking a fair bit.
Interviewer: Who hasn't?
Respondent: What else? (cocking head. Looking baffled) What HAVE I been doing? I bought myself an Xbox 360 around October or November last year so there's been a lot of..uh..that happening. Killing terrorists and zombies. Saving the world. That sort of thing. But recently, and this sorta happened over night, my TV screen started to take on this red shade y'know? So I've stopped gaming for a bit. (Absently) Must get the TV repaired.
Interviewer: The life of a celebrity.
(Respondent and Audience laugh)
Respondent: I lose MONTHS to that fucking machine. Uh...am I allowed to swear here?
Interviewer: If you must.
Respondent: Can I say 'cocksucker'?
(Audience laugh, applaud)
Interviewer: Let's move on shall we? So, you've basically been drinking beer and playing computer games.
Respondent: And working. I'm working heaps of hours.
Interviewer: This would be where exactly?
Respondent: I'm currently working in a bar on Chapel street in Prahran.
Interviewer: (Raises eyebrows) Prahran? That's not exactly your side of the river is it?
Respondent: Well, no. Not really. I'm kinda used to the North side of Melbourne y'know? Which is where your hippie, arty type of person live. I mean, most bars over this side (of the river) don't even HAVE lime to put in drinks. They just...put lime cordial into peoples' drinks if they order a..a...a...vodka, lime and soda. Or maybe they punch the person who ordered it for being a pussy.
Interviewer: I see.
Respondent: Prahran has always been where the (makes quotation marks with his fingers in the air) "fashion conscious" people live. Cool haircuts. Fancy shirts. Y'know...cocksuckers.
Interviewer: How have you gone adjusting to the change in environment?
Respondent: Good. I mean, I like the bar I'm working in. Hell, I've been going there for, like, six years, seven years. And the people there are cool. The staff and the regulars are pretty awesome. Weirdos...but awesome.
Interviewer: So, it's been a good year for you so far?
Respondent: Yeah. Busy but good. I mean what are we...a few weeks in? The heat has knocked me about a bit and being in hospitality I never got that two week break that every other living person in the Free World seems to get. Most people, sorry to generalise, but most people spend this time of year living like a Colombian drug lord. Like, sitting around the beach, drinking cocktails named after cities and smoking cigars. Oh, did I tell you what I'm planning later this year?
Interviewer: What's that?
Respondent: Well, I'm planning another overseas trip later this year. Maybe September or November. It really depends on the finances really. But I've got it in my mind to...to head over to Cuba...
Interviewer: Why Cuba?
Respondent: I think it....when did the idea settle in my head? A few years ago at any rate. I think I saw Buena Vista Social Club and thought it'd be neat to check out the music scene there. Spend a few weeks where they've got all these vintage '60s and '70s cars smoking cigars. Gotta do it before Castro dies y'know.
Interviewer: Just Cuba?
Respondent: Afterwards I want to head over to New York. I think logically the other way would be tons easier. Because the Yanks have a shitty..uh..what do they call it? No Fly List..uh...yeah...No Fly List policy. Because of the TSA who are like bloodhounds...but real dumb ones y'know? Just relentless. I mean, did you hear about this five-year old kid who was detained because his name sounded like a possible terrorist?
Interviewer: This was just recently.
Respondent: Yah. So they've got armed guards...I'm imagining armed guards for this one...who are holding this fuckin' five-year old hostage essentially in case he steers the plane into a building or blows it up or something. I'm getting off the topic.
Interviewer: I didn't want to say anything.
(Interviewer and Respondent laugh)
Respondent: Ha Ha. It's just...it's just so stupid y'know? Anyway..
Interviewer: New York.
Respondent: New York. Reason: It's big and people talk about it. Even people who have never been there. People who have never been there wear T-Shirts that say they love it. Cocksuckers. But I primarily want to go see Letterman because I love that show. Well..."love" is a strong word. I think I love the idea of the show. Some of the episodes are killer but that's like one in...ten or twenty. Depends on the guest and Letterman's mood. And the script writers naturally. From New York [makes dramatic hand gestures]..Barrow!
Respondent: Barrow, Alaska baby!
Interviewer: Is this possibly because of (the film adapted from the comic book) Thirty Days of Night?
Respondent: Well, the town, the area fascinates me. I wasn't such a fan of (the writer of Thirty Days of Night) Steve Niles' stuff. I mean, it was a good idea but it...didn't really grab me by the balls. Which all good literature should. And I haven't seen the film.
Interviewer: Neither have I. But then again, I don't go out much.
Respondent: Well (my friend) Free Beer suggested salmon fishing in Alaska sometime last year and the idea sort of stuck. Though he's probably not going to be able to come along because his wife (Freddy Nunchucks) won't let him. I don't know. Alaska. It seems like such a cool place to check out.
Interviewer: Does it?
(Respondent and audience laugh)
Respondent: I'm into desolate places though. Cold, desolate places. I mean, I've been to Tynda in Russia y'know? Loved it. It was so...
Interviewer: Now, are you planning on travelling alone this time?
Respondent: Nik- who I went on the Trans-Siberian railway with- said he might come along. He's..well...it's money dependant for him as well. Chris probably can't come along because he's off to America earlier in the year for a friend's wedding. Same country but months apart.
Interviewer: Well, it's about time to wrap this up. When did you say this was? The trip?
Respondent: September. Ish.
Interviewer: A pleasure as always. Ladies and Gentlemen, Fatman.